night jim-bob

i realized that i just have to remember the things i’m grateful for:

-my boyfriend/best friend/person that’s going to be in my life forever

-my real friends who are always there for me (andrew, breanne, becky, laurie, BOB) i may not get to see them a lot, but i know they don’t listen to all the other bullshit going on.

-my family: we argue sometimes, but we love each other so much and i see them more than anyone else. this includes da pup riley

-i HAVE a job and it’s not so bad now that i can talk to the delivery guy and nerd stuff

-even though this is not why i date my boyfriend, he has a beach house and during the summer it’s such a blessing that i get to spend time with him and his family at my favorite place in the world (JERSEY SHOREEE)

-i have my own personal space in my awesome room at home

-i have something that i love doing (writing) and i just need to make more time for it

-i have hobbies (yoga, sewing, writing, painting, movies). a lot of people i know aren’t interested in anything. they just like drinking/bars. a few years down the line i don’t see that leading to a fullfilling life.

-i will be applying to grad school

it just makes me laugh how certain people still think we are “friends”. strangers know more about my life currently than of my old friends do. she thinks that cause she once in a while asks me if i’m going to attend something, that she’s doing her job as a friend.

this is the convo: (over texts)

her: are you going to the saturday festivities?

me: i don’t know yett.

her: WHY

me: i don’t know when anthony is coming and i might have work sunday morning

her: oh

——————————————————————

oh cool, yeah my life is going fine. my boyfriend is okay. i got a haircut actually. my job is okay. THANKS FOR ASKING ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE or saying something like “hey you should try to come, i’d like to see you. i haven’t seen you in a month”. i forgot that me being there or not being there has no bearing on whether you enjoy yourself. as long as there’s some alcohol you’re fine. why should i even waste my time seeing any of you people?

Two things I need to do:

look at cars I can lease before it gets too hot outside and my car overheats and dies

look at desktop computers, i’m thinking about doing that monthly payment thing (i want photoshop & my current laptop is too small and can’t support any sort of software.

feeling very sorry for myself lately

and i don’t like it.

i just feel like i’m missing out on opportunities. i talked to my mom about my temporary move out and she took it very personally. i just feel so lonely here, like no one understands me. i have no friends to depend on— i could possibly have that in montclair, but i’m not allowed to do anything for my self, or my own personal reasons. it just comes off as selfish and irresponsible. my mom doesn’t understand that i just want to be somewhere so i can feel like i belong. even at home i feel disconnected and not myself. there’s no one to be myself with.

my boyfriend is off doing big things for his career and i feel like i’m just rotting away here in a job i don’t like with nothing to look forward to. sometimes i feel like he thinks his hopes and dreams are more important and more thought out than mine. i want to be an author and all i hear is “oh no that’s too hard” or “you have to be a best seller to really make any money”. after hearing these things constantly i give up. i feel like it’s pointless to even try. even when i thought about getting my masters i hear “you should pick something that you won’t give up on” or “you should just keep working at your job to get more experience”. the only reason i give it is because NO ONE SUPPORTS ME. i just keep hearing negative things echo in my mind and they give me a reason to give up. no wonder i have ridiculously low self esteem. i’ve been told these things my entire life just because i’m quiet and not overtly aggressive.

people don’t understand how much thought i put into things. they assume my head is in the clouds and every thing that comes out of my mouth is a passing day dream. i think more than anyone i know. i think too much. everything i say is well thought out, you’ll never catch me uttering any words that i didn’t prepare in my head a thousand times over. i felt so bad about bringing out moving out to my mom that i almost couldn’t find the courage to do it.

i don’t knowwwwww. i feel so trapped like i’m walking in a straight line. i should just sit around and keep my mouth shut.

i dont know what to doooooo.

my friend asked me to be one of their roommates in a house in montclair. the house is so sweet, three floors, my own room, KITTENS, only for $425 a month. i’d be around people that i like and share my hobbies/interests for like the first time EVER.

on the other hand, i have student loans i need to worry about and i know i’ll miss living with my family. i have a good FREE setup at home, but i’m lacking good company besides my family&puppy. my boyfriend sees it as “wasteful” to move out of my house for a year, when i could be saving the money. i guess it is a little selfish, but if i don’t live to make myself happy who do i live for? i literally have no one at home that i connect with anymore.

i also don’t want to feel like i’m missing out on time with my family, even though montclair isn’t too far and i could go home when i wanted.

SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE>

i love sunny, warm days. they put me in such a good mood. i want to make amends with everyone, i want to read, drink tea, and write. i’m getting up earlier tomorrow to do morning yoga (and by do i mean struggle trying to do it).

things will get better

feeling good today.

i finished the Magician’s Nephew, last night i started The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. C.S. Lewis was a great writer and i’m glad to finally be reading the Narnia Chronicles. i read some when i was little, but i barely remember them